waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
