Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
