When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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