I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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