the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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