why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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