I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
