my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
