There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
