Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
