I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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