Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
