My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
