I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
