She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
