I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
