my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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