Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
