This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
