My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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