Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
