Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
