Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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