oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
