im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
