so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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