I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
