I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
