i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
