I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
