I think I died a long time ago.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
