dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize