I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
