i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
