I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
we're making bets on your personal life
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
