I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
