I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
