am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
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