haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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