Old men and throwing up are my life now.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
