I just threw up on my dentist
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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