I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
