when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
