I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
