Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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