Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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