her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
