Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Randomize
