There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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