I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
