I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
