somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
