She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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