...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
