I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
