I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
