She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
