i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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