just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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