she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
