wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
