I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
