I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
