I need to stop coming to work sober
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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