My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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