My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
