I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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